Why the Torchwood Team Should Never Get Drunk
by Far Too Much Time
Summary: This has a bad title but it it basically a fic with all the torchwood team in.It's a year after Gwen's wedding and in true Torchwood fashion the celebration goes a bit wrong. Jack/Ianto/John Tosh/Owen Gwen/Rhys. No spoilers.AU Don't own anything!
1. Chapter 1

Why the Torchwood Team Should Never Get Drunk!

Chapter 1 – It has been a year since Gwen and Rhys got married. They are having a party at Rhys' mate's pub. However, due to unforeseen circumstances the area has been cordoned off. Gwen and Rhys are alone in the pub. Please Note that we have used our artistic license and Tosh and Owen are still alive.

Rhys started to say something, then stopped. Gwen let out a huge sigh. They were both bored stiff.

"So..." Rhys started.

"So ... what?" said Gwen.

Just then the door burst open, and in walked the tall figure of Jack, followed closely by Ianto, Tosh and Owen. Rhys' jaw dropped. "Wha... what! What are you doing here?" Gwen wriggled uncomfortably.

"Ummmm... I may have, kind of, invited them."

"But... Wha... How did they even get in here? It's all blocked off!"

Jack flashed a cheesy smile. "Torchwood. Access all areas, baby." Ianto just rolled his eyes and smiled indulgently at Jack.

"Don't ever call me baby again," snarled Rhys. Ianto, Tosh and Owen were struggling to contain their giggles as Jack looked suitably mollified. This, as was later commented on, was a first.

Just then the slightly awkward atmosphere was broken by a rather loud and very untuneful version of 'Staying Alive'.

"I'm staying aliiiiiiiiiiiive!" With that an all too familiar figure burst through a door.

"Who the hell are you?" yelled Rhys. He wasn't having a very good time. The Torchwood team were all trying to find their cameras because...

"I'm Captain John Hart. Nice to meet you too."

"You really, really, _really_ can't sing, you know," remarked Owen.

"Oh, and you can?" replied John.

"No, but at least I don't try!" shouted Owen before bursting into laughter at what John was wearing.

"And you really can't pull off that feminine look," giggled Ianto as he took a picture. "Perfect."

"Wait," said Rhys "If you are Captain John Hart and you are Captain Jack Harkness, which means your names are really similar! And if I was really drunk, I'd probably get all mixed up and call you something really daft, like Captain Jock Harshnett!"

Everybody looked at him.

Then Jack turned to John.

"What are you doing here, anyway?"

"Karaoke, baby!"

"Karaoke was yesterday!" said Ianto.

"How do you know?"

"Well if it weren't for that big blackboard to your left that says 'Karaoke on Friday' I wouldn't."

Everybody turned to look at the blackboard.

"Oh!"

The Torchwood team and Rhys all raised their eyebrows. Captain John burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" asked Tosh eyebrows still raised.

"You... all... look... like... him!!" giggled John hopelessly, pointing at Ianto.

Ianto leant over to Jack and whispered "It looks like it's going to be a long night. Shall I go and make some coffee?"

"Great, we need more people like you, Ianto."

"So you keep saying, Sir!"

Gwen butted in. "What do we do with him then?" gesturing at the spot where John had been.

"Well," Jack said dryly "We may have to find him first..."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

In the kitchen, Ianto was making coffee.

"Hey, eyecandy"

Ianto jumped around, and said "Fuck off" when he was facing John as he had known who it was the moment that the dreaded 'eyecandy' was said.

"Hmmmm, I feel so tempted to follow the first part of that order"

"Just go away, OK?"

"Sure"

Ianto blinked in a very surprised manner. Wow, having a sense of authority was actually pretty cool. What he didn't notice, as he was inspecting cups from the cupboards on the walls, was Captain John slipping an entire bottle of vodka into the coffee machine.

"See you later eyecandy!" he said as he cheerfully stepped back into the pub.

"What have you done to eyecandy... I mean Ianto!" shouted Jack as he saw John emerge from the kitchen.

"Nothing!" said John in an innocent voice.

"Now I have to go and check that he is fine," hissed Jack, then in a slightly happier voice "Maybe he will need me to do a full physical."

"Jack, I'm fine" said Ianto having heard the last part of Jack's sentence and knowing that he would never get away if he let him in. Jack went in anyway and Ianto studiously avoided his eye, which was a good thing as otherwise he would have seen Jack put in another bottle of vodka in the coffee. It was time to serve up and Ianto swore he hadn't put that much liquid in but he thought he must have made a mistake and so he hurriedly put the coffee in the mugs instead of cups and left the room saying "Now, who wants coffee?" knowing that everybody would.

"Oh god," said Rhys "I don't think I can take much more of this." The Torchwood team were unusually high spirited tonight. He made an effort to make conversation, but none of them shared any interests or friends with him at all. In fact none of them seemed to how a life. "Oh god," he moaned again "I really need a drink."

"Hey, good idea!" said Gwen "We're supposed to be having a party, so why don't we enjoy ourselves?"

Meanwhile Tosh had walked over to the old fashioned jukebox.

"Wow, I had one of these when I was ten!"

Owen replied sarkily "And I suppose by the time you were eleven, you had already turned it into a walking robot jukebox that knew your favourite song."

Tosh looked surprised. "Well, yes, but how did you know?"

"Wait a minute," said Rhys "Are we going to pay for these drinks? My mate's gotta live, you know!"

"Of course!" said Jack "We'll pay for all the drinks we have at a later date."

"There goes our budget for this year," murmured Ianto.

"Wow, free drinks. I'm actually starting to like you guys," said Rhys.

"This coffee tastes funny" said Owen.

Ianto glared ay him.

"Never mind," he said, swigging it down quickly. Everybody followed suit, even Rhys. One of the things he had learnt during his few hours at Torchwood was that you do not insult Ianto's coffee unless you wanted a picture of you naked to be put up as a poster on trees around your house, workplace, everywhere really. He didn't know quite how it would have been dine, but it could, and probably would have happened if he hadn't accepted the coffee. That hadn't happened to him but it had been a close one. And it wasn't even an insult. He had just said that he could only drink decaf as he was on a healthy eating plan.

Gwen, meanwhile, had started mixing drinks behind the bar. She came out holding a very large tray of shots.

"Right everybody, drinking contest time. The rules are simple so no cheating. Anybody in Torchwood caught cheating will be force fed instant coffee for a week." Jack and Owen groaned.

"What about those not at Torchwood?" said John.

"I was getting in to that. They will have to run around the street three times. Naked."

John just grinned.

"So what are the rules?" asked Ianto.

"Whoever drinks the most wins. And you can't leave the table. If you throw up your out! Understand."

Everyone nodded but John had a question.

"What if we run out?"

"John, there are fifty shots on that tray," said Tosh.

"And there's another tray on the bar," said Gwen.

"So that's about a hundred shots between seven of us," said John.

"That is about fourteen drinks each," said Tosh.

"That's enough to incapacitate us all of tomorrow," laughed Owen. "Brilliant!"

"If you say so," said John.

"Right," said Gwen. "Lets get going!"

"I bagsy going first!" cried John.

"You know, bagsy went out of fashion a few years ago," said Ianto.

"Whatever!" said John as he tipped the shot right down his throat. "Easy."

"My go!" said Jack, grabbing another shot.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Halfway through the competition Jack, John, Rhys and surprisingly Tosh remained. Gwen's rules meant that the competitors couldn't leave the table or throw up. Owen had quit first as the alcohol had had quite a strong effect on him. Ianto had left the table with the excuse that he had to wash the coffee cups but had retreated to the kitchen without collecting any. Gwen on the other hand had suddenly had such a violent hit of giggles she had fallen off her chair. She sulkily agreed that that did count as leaving the table.

"You know," Owen slurred "you'll die of schtomach poisoning if you keep on drinking."

"Isn't it liver failure?" inquired Tosh.

"Liver, schtomach, all the same really," replied the doctor, slumping into a dark corner.

Jack took the next drink.

"Ahhhh" he collapsed onto the table.

Rhys prodded him tentatively.

"Is he... dead?"

An indistinct "Probably" came from the corner where Owen had last been seen.

"Right," muttered Rhys.

"Ahhh!" groaned Jack, coming round. "Knew liver failure would get me eventually."

"Did you know you make the same sound when you die as when you wake up?" asked John inquiringly.

"Okay," said Gwen, ignoring John like everyone else. "So it's just John, Rhys and Tosh left."

"What?... No!" shouted Jack "I never left the table!"

"You died," said Gwen simply "All the alcohol has probably left your shys sorry system by now. That's not fair on the others."

"But the rules say nothing about dying, its just throwing up and getting off your..."

Jack was caught short by a shot from John, who was sitting across the table from Jack.

"Take him away, sweetheart," he said to Gwen. "He can't argue if we take him off the chair. He always was a terrible cheater"

"Yeah, he always cheats at naked hide and seek," piped up Ianto who everyone had forgotten about.

"How can you cheat at naked hide and seek?" queried Owen

"Errrrrrrrr..." said Ianto. Gwen blushed and pulled Jack off his chair.

By now Rhys was starting to sweat. He picked up a shot, sniffed it, leapt off his seat and ran for the toilets, where he made loud retching noises.

"Nasty," smirked John.

"Your go," said Tosh.

He drowned his glass in one. She followed suit. They sat facing each other taking it in turns until only one glass remained.

"Wait!" she exclaimed. "If there were a hundred glasses, Owen went after five, Ianto after seven, Gwen after ten, Jack after sixteen, Rhys after fifteen that means we've had ... twenty-six drinks each. And I can still do the maths!" Tosh was delighted by this.

"So who's going to take the last one?" inquired John politely.

Tosh grabbed it off the tray and jammed it down her throat.

"I won! I won!" she yelled dancing around the room.

Ianto, emerging from his hiding place in the kitchen, raised his eyebrows and tried to lean on a chair. On finding this chair was, in fact, non existent he slumped to the floor. Gentle snoring sounds filled the room.

"That was pretty impressive," John remarked to Tosh.

"I was raised on Sake"

"Right, now we are all totally pished, what do we do nexsht?" asked Owen from the floor.

Comments would be nice. Please.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Now that they were all completely and utterly pissed, as Owen put it, they were far less inhibited and when John, or was it Jack, suggested a game of Truth, Dare, Kiss, Promise they were all up for it. As Tosh was the surprise winner she got to spin the bottle first. She span it and it landed on Gwen. Gwen chose dare.

"I dare you to kiss every male in the room," said Tosh. This was another surprise everyone had expected her to say something like 'I dare you to sing and dance to I will survive'. Gwen, looking perfectly happy, kissed Jack, John, Rhys and Ianto who was more embarrassed than her. It was then Gwen's turn to spin and it landed on John who picked kiss to no-ones surprise. Gwen dared him to kiss Tosh who looked up in shock but allowed John to kiss her and they proceeded to become more than a little amorous. John was pleasantly surprised as he had thought that as the geek she would not be a great kisser but she had definitely had practice, not as innocent as first thought then. Jack coughed but all John said was "If you want to join in then ask" and he went back to kissing Tosh.

"Well then I guess I'll just have to spin the bottle for him then," laughed Ianto as he span and it landed on Jack. Jack considered and decided to pick kiss as he thought Ianto would tell him to kiss Gwen or himself. "Okay Jack, kiss Owen." Jack did a double take and saw Ianto looking far too pleased with himself. Owen looked up and expected Jack to argue bit instead he felt Jack's lips against his and Jack's tongue in his mouth. When Jack moved back to his place Owen was just a little dazed. Jack span the bottle and made sure it landed on Ianto who not being stupid picked truth.

"What am I like in bed?" asked Jack knowing this would embarrass Ianto.

Ianto surprised everyone by saying "Innovative" but nothing more. When Ianto spun the bottle it landed on Rhys who looked very frightened.

"Promise," he said feeling a bit safer then he would have done if he had said any of the others as Tosh and John were still kissing and he was sure that John had had a jacket on at the start of the evening.

"You have to promise that you will ..." Ianto was stuck but Gwen came to his rescue.

"You have to promise to kiss me properly every single day of next year."

Rhys thought that went quite well. Then John said that since he had missed his turn he should be able to do so. The bottle span and landed on Owen. Owen picked dare as he didn't want to look like a coward. He regretted it later.

"I dare you to take all your clothes off and play the rest of the game naked," said John. Tosh turned her head. She was going to enjoy this. Owen, grudgingly, removed his jeans, T-shirt and snoopy boxers that he knew he was never going to live down.

A naked Owen then spun the bottle. It landed on Gwen who picked dare again.

"I dare you to take all your clothes off," laughed Owen glad that Gwen hadn't thought of that before. She glared as she took everything off even though John told her to keep her belt for later. Jack decided that he wouldn't bother getting the bottle to land on Ianto to get his clothes off and started kissing him hard enough that Ianto had no clue that he was naked until he had finished.

"Jack, that's not fair," he whined.

"All's fair in love and war," replied Jack. There was a racket of appreciative groans, the loudest of which was from John, as Ianto gave up looking for his clothes and sat down thinking how he would regret this is in the morning.

"Right, I think this game would be better if we could only pick kiss," John announced.

He then turned the battle to Ianto and said "Eyecandy, I want you to kiss me but..." he said as Ianto tried to get out of it, "Jack can join in." Ianto looked resignedly at the others but they all seemed to be enjoying this and particularly wanted him to kiss John and Jack at the same time. He gave up and leaned towards John who smirked and pushed him down to the floor. He was going to enjoy this. After the kiss went on for over a minute the others noticed that Jack and John were taking off their clothes and were soon as naked as Owen, Gwen and Ianto.

Owen clapped his hands and said "They'll be a while. Lets continue." Gwen spun the bottle for Ianto and it landed on Tosh.

"You have to kiss Owen for three minutes without stopping."

Owen considered this and thought about when she had been kissing John and decided that he would try and get her clothes off as Jack had done to Ianto. As they began to kiss her clothes just seemed to come off but Owen was definitely the worst affected. At the end he took her off with out a word as he did not trust himself to speak. She was good, really good and he needed her.

As Owen and Tosh went off Rhys started on his promise and so he and Gwen ended up the same way as the two other groups.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

John, Jack and Ianto came back into the centre of the room to find their clothes. They saw Rhys and Gwen on the floor and had to stop the laugh that came up as they spotted Tosh and Owen in the doorway to the women's toilets.

"Well then, as the others are occupied shall we have another run," said Jack running his tongue over Ianto's neck. John was feeling left out so he began working on Ianto's lower body. The attentions of both men left Ianto a quivering mess and so he decided he would show them what he could do. He pulled them both from the room.

It appeared that having sex with Tosh had a sobering effect on Owen and when he saw Rhys and Gwen on the floor he went to get a bucket and some ice cold water. But seeing Tosh, he left the idea and dragged her into the toilets again. This was going to be a good night. As not only was she good at kissing but she was amazing at what followed.

When Gwen and Rhys finished they sat up. They looked around and tried to see the others hoping that they weren't the only ones. They then saw Tosh who was backed up against a wall and began to devour each other again. They tried to see Jack, Ianto and John as they had the feeling that that would be good but couldn't. They gave up and went on a table this time.

It continued like this the entire night with the CCTV camera's recording the whole thing. John promised himself he would get a copy.

When Ianto saw what time it was between the workouts he cried out.

"Shit, Jack have you seen what time it is?"

"No, why?"

"Because it is half past seven in the morning!"

Wow, what a night was Jack's first thought. Then "Crap. Okay get every one back to the hub, even John. Where is he anyway?" Neither of them had a clue where he could be but Ianto said...

"We may need a bucket of cold, no, make that iced, water."

Jack grinned. He knew what that meant and walked out into the main room. He agreed with Ianto and the both went to get the ice buckets-they would need more than one- that usually brought the champagne. First they tipped them over Rhys and Gwen who looked embarrassed and started running to get there clothes that had been strewn across the floor. They then went and tipped the ice over Tosh and Owen, who was more annoyed than embarrassed. He then said

"Okay, what was that for?"

"It's half past seven people," shouted Jack and there was a mixture of swear words as they hurried for their clothes.

"Jack..." Tosh asked, "Why are you and Ianto not looking for your clothes?"

They both looked down and Ianto blushed bright red. He hurried off to find his clothes. Jack said he would help but he went and made sure the hiding place for Ianto's clothes was safe but all he found was a note that said...

_If this is Ianto then sorry but I had to take your clothes as you are so sexy without them. If this is Jack, as I rather suspect, I thought I would do you a favour. Now Ianto has to go home naked._

_John_

_PS. I have CCTV footage of last night. Will give it back for a price._

Jack read the note and then yelled to his team who all came running. They read the note in turn and when Ianto turned up he said more calmly than expected to Jack

"Give me your clothes or coat at least, I can keep it done up. Then when I get home I can give them back. And you will pay for the CCTV won't you?"

Jack looked miffed at having to give his coat up. Or maybe he was just disappointed that he wouldn't be able to look at a naked Ianto all the way home. But Jack didn't need the distraction when he was driving and so he handed over the coat.

"What are we going to do if an alien invasion comes today?" asked Ianto suddenly.

"Show them the video!" said a voice behind them as Captain John Hart returned.

The End

So do you want a sequel? Read and Review even if you don't please!!


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